Lil' Rough Spell

Dear Family,

Another week in the Philippines =P! kind of an exhausting one... i'll tell you guys about it (although the rainy season will be over in august... and it was nothing like I imagined it would be...floods and hails of wind and rain all the time, palm trees tossed about like madd, always kind of a grey lurk to the sky...every hour all day rain rain rain. That's what I had in my mind... and I was thinking... ohh deaarr...but its actually not that bad... lil grey occasionally... strong rain, but in spurts. Only a lil colder. and theres often the sun around at least once in the day. If not, meh... its just kinda like a fall day here without the color. Lot's of rain spurts though. yup. (place sure looks wet.)

I'm fine =P It's interesting, I keep hearing about those things happening across the way, but no... they haven't touched us. i hear them long down the line after they are over, kinda of like an "oh really, that happened? huh..." afterthought....because here, apparently in Negros...

we're smack dab at the perfect spot to not got storms, nor floods, nor earthquakes, nor any other of the such. shucks =P!

Thanks Mom for the write. And dad, good to hear you're around. Bumped up, wow. Dad's got class now. I'll have to shine his shoes for Him when he gets home. He'll be too busy =P! Next thing you know he'll be wearin' cuff links. Have fun in shang hai!

Sooo... for my interesting week...
and please don't take this contradictory to my other email, both emails absolutely true... just this one more of a realization of a lurking feeling of mine, that I had time to reflect on. Soo... about Wednesday evening, randomly, all of a sudden kind of got a large pain in the head... and went to sleep and had perhaps the most uncomfortable sleep of my life. Woke up the next day, pretty much knew it was a fever... went out anyway and worked. Tiring day. Came home and that was pretty rough as well. Couldn't think straight for planning... couldnt get the Spirit (though it would come for somewhat in teachings) to help guide the plans... rough. Frustrating. And hadn't been able to get studies in that day either...tired and couldnt focus. (hurt to much). Went to "bed" waking up pretty much every hour... already dreading it because i knew what that night would be like... the EXACT night before... no possible comfortable position (on bed or couch or floor or chair or table), large pain in the head and chills...couldnt get warm even though I was burning (kinda felt like my blood was getting drawn... that cool sensation... but then I could feel it come back so it would get hot again...just kind of an uncomfortable weird sensation of chills.... AND so... even WHILE sleeping, my mind was messing with me so much, that every time i went to sleep i thought i "HAD" to teach someone a lesson in my dream... and every time it was a horrible exhausting feeling of defeat as I woke up a few minutes later....

just a very rough night. next day same... couldnt do planning, still couldnt do much reading or anything at all else accept try and wait out the time and the chills... best thing felt at least walking around outside going about the missionary day (wicked tiring, cuz my body was exhausted, but anything to get the pain off my head) (dont like the house.) Elder made us come back... apparently I had a 104.4 fever =P! Gone now... but mannn... i sweated it out! Done to shorts and my top and just sat and sweat for hours...I feel better now.

Anyway... i had a lot of time to reflect and think and whatnot... and I realized very shortly that I was quite sad. While sweating it out, I realized how many investigators we had. how many started good. how few were now progressing... because we just cant find time to teach them (and in essence... a desire issue), and my many, many small things holding me back. I realized, to my great saddness, in a large way, I had stopped being a missionary, and had been doing something else. Not entriely... but yes, much so in a way this transfer. And I take this as an opportunity that God would have to teach me... to remind me what it does mean to be a Missionary.

This area... its only been two months... and yet I grew a little too comfortable with my calling. I stopped looking for other people. I stopped believing in our investigators. Started doubting. Not all in a big way... I never noticed. But little by little... in some regards...
I stopped caring. (not intentionally... but yes, it "happened"... because I didn't constently nourish and seek after "caring for them")

And it made me so sad. Because I knew it was true. Because I know the promises of God. And I know this is His work. He loves His children, so much Greater than I, and will do everything for them. If this church is true, and If this truly is his Gospel, and If He truly loves His children... He will do everything to bring a child from without the fold, within. Everything.

And I, in some way, lost sight of why I am here. A little bit. Because it was no longer caring. Finding a way to get them at church. Or baptism. Or lessons. Or any other goal, that started out righteous... little by little I forgot the true purpose...and little by little... it didn't matter that I stopped doing the smallest of Missionary activities that help us focus on the real intent: a person. Whether it be in praying or studying or pondering... I let some things get away from me.

It was very sad, for me to have to admit it. But it is true. And it was so necessary. I am Happy the Lord taught me this lesson.
This area, I may have only 2 weeks left. I grew very tired here, and I don't know why. And I'm not entirely sure what I am to do with that time. But... I hope the Lord will permit me back to His work... if it so be I humble myself enough.

It's sad...to forget caring about someone. I hope I never do again.
Pray for me. I hope I have something more to offer this area before I leave.

But All is Well. I am Happy Again.

--Elder Christopher A. Lewis